tah marro is ahnotha day

So... It is another day, Scarlett. Not a do-over, but another clean slate, as they say
(whoever they is) (are?). "And how was to-day, Dear?" Meh.

Sincere apology, good.
The sun is out, that's good.
I spoke to a kid, that's good. (Not a random kid, one of the two I birthed)

Again today, my thoughts are with my dead Mother. The shit she hid. The shit she said. The shit that frightened her into spouting her favorite expression: "You shouldn't know of it"

What would she tell me today? "Don't be a schmuck. Everything is fine. Look, it's nice out, go outside, get some sun. WAIT. Do you have sunscreen? You shouldn't know of it..."

Thanks, Ma.

Do-Over Day

Under a week post to post? Hey, aren't we on a roll?

But today might not count. Might be a figment of our collective imaginations.

I want a do-over. Today sucked. Not sucked in any big Earth-shattering way. Just whiney for most people who have bigger, Earth shattering issues. No horror- show diagnosis, no cops at the door, or 3 a.m. life altering phone calls. But it sucked for me. As in: "Sucks for you".

I want to do-over today. I was told- in actions, not words, or rather, I was made to feel, in actions not words, ugly. Beyond the usual amount of ugly, unworthy, or undesireable I generally feel on a day to day basis. Petty at my age, but hey, "Sucks for you."

Yes, yes, it does. Big suck. Suck-suck. Suck with a Capital S. Sssssssssssssssssss.

What made it mess with my head on an even more intense level? It occurred to me, while crying again hours later, that some of my tears were falling for my Mother. I was literally crying for my Mother to come make me feel better. She has been dead for seven years and I truly doubt I would have told her about this particular incident anyway as it was quite intimate and painful.

I am fifty-two years old and someone truly hurt me and I cried for my Mother.

"SUCKS FOR YOU."

Remember when I said I would keep up with this? Do-ya-huh-huh-do-ya? That was almost 4 years ago. I'm baa-acckk.

It is Easter Sunday, April 5th, 2015. 9:16 p.m. EST. Let's see how it goes, shall we?

For today, then:

how do you know when it's the beginning of the end?
is being aware it could happen the same as letting it happen?
is it the same as making it happen?
can you stop it from happening, or will the constant awareness propel it faster and farther than it
would have naturally (happened) were you in a blissfully unaware state?
does being aware of the awareness make you nuts?
no, i mean, it does definitely make you nuts,
but does it make you nuts? nuts nuts?