Atheistic-Post-Christmas-Blues

So here I go... A year into my new life. Jumping into the -what- the 1990's with a blog. This is a diary, right? Not as bullshit and slutty as the bile producing "friends" on MySpazz. Not to be torn apart by strangers who think because they can type with 3 fingers like I do they can too have their say. We'll see.

If anyone actually ever reads this, you will indeed get to know me. Perhaps too much. Slowly then you will see I really,REALLY, am a nice, generous and moral person. Friend to all who have not crossed me yet.

Tonight, however, I am in some as yet undetermined bitch mode.

I am first and foremost a mother. Secondly a friend and lover to my partner. Third, an Atheist. I have looped the whole free thinking spectrum, and finally realized that yes, I am one of those people as sure in my belief as a born-again. I try not to be arrogant about it for that is repulsive too. For ME, there is no god.

December, however brings expectations. Shopping and cooking for the people I love purely because I love them, as I do in May and September. Reminders to make contact with the people I think of often, but find other excuses to blow off during the warmer months.

December is a time I divide my friends into different catagories: Christian, Jewish, Atheist, hard core or wishy-washy. I keep score of other things in my head all year, another of my charms. When my father died I immediately divided up my friends to separate who had living dads/dead dads, scum dads or loving dads. Who could relate? When my mother died I did the same and quickly realized almost all of my friends still had at least one parent. More new territory.

When I finally left my marriage, after a solid decade+ of contemplation and waiting for my babies to grow, my friends divied up again in my head. And as I'd been warned, I actually lost most of them. The miserable, hanging in there marriages don't truly want the temptation. The sad and shitty marriages don't either. The handful of friends I've retained were either never married, or previously divorced, and a sister who's throat I would slit if she ever tried to split.

So, K, it's 2 days after the 25th of December and I find myself non-descript sad and taking a creepy internal inventory. WTF? THIS is what we wait all year for? What a bunch of losers. Me included. Now I'll have an additional- oh- I dunno- $900 on next months Visa. WTF?

We compromised on a small live tree to be planted out back in a spot we wanted new life in come spring. I tipped the mailman appropriately, partially to thank him for past service, partially as insurance for this years eBay posts. I had cookies at the ready for a new neighbor in case they showed, but didn't want to make the first move and set a precident I won't care to keep. I "did" Christmas in ways that were expected but did not include religion. Satisfactory, to be sure. I missed a family I cherish in the UK by procrastinating on sending gifts, but otherwise, I think I pulled off what I wanted to.

Except for me now that it's 2 days past and my main focus is aside. Yes, I got the Atheistic-Post-Christmas-Blues (wah, wah, wah, wah...)

I wanted no gifts, and I got very few. Ditto the cards. And the phone calls. Divided the friends again into who remembered our December Birthdays, mine and my daughter. I am surprised and ashamed that I do this. But I do it nonetheless.

The score I should keep but don't as of late is the almighty calorie count. Again, WTF?

I feel cheated. And broke. And bitchy.

And fat.